The Smoke: An Urban Country Diary

Return of the Dog People

The Dog People of Clissold Park  have been growing in number since the end of the summer. Now they are all over the park, hanging around in factions. Today the weather was bad and for some reason two of the Dog People factions had decided to face off on the footpath at the north east corner of the park. There were around 30 dogs in all, covered in mud, racing around happily. But the Dog People didn't look happy. They all just stared off into the mid-distance at the other Dog People faction as if to say "they don't know ANYTHING about dogs". Now and then someone would chat, probably about dog biscuits or flea powder. Then they'd carry on staring.

These are tense days in Clissold Park.

Three foxes in search of a box of half eaten pizza

I was working late the other night when I heard a commotion outside - it sounded like someone trying to kick over a compost bin. Expecting to see some alco-popped adolescents expressing theire distaste for conformist society instead I just caught sight of three foxes sprinting away. They then had a sniff around the bins of number 55 across the road before one of them made that strange foxy yelp-bark and off they ran towards Clissold Park.

I wanted to shout out to them "You're wasting your time. They're all vegetarians in Stoke Newington." But it was very late. And I don't speak foxy yelp-bark.

The 2008 two pages per day desk diary

The 2008 two pages per day desk diary is the biggest diary I have ever bought. The bloke at the stationers shop asked if I was going to be writing out every single thing that happened during the day in order to fill up the two pages of A4, "you know, like 'got up in the morning', that kind of thing". It made me think that the 2008 two pages per day desk diary was only on sale in his shop to ensnare passing anal retentives for the purposes of mockery.

I intend to start doing arm curls of the 2008 two pages per day desk diary. Then when I enter the World Stationary Lifting Championships my local stationer will be laughing on the other side of his face.

How to get a plastic boomerang back from your next door neighbour

My kids got a yellow plastic boomerang thing a few weeks ago. It actually looks more like a propellor than a boomerang but, if you throw it correctly, it does come back to you. I attempted to show them how it worked. It sailed over the fence into next door's garden but didn't sail back.

An hour or so later I saw our neighbour and said "Our yellow plastic boomerang thing is in your garden. Can you chuck it back for us?"

"Yeah, sure," he said.

"The yellow plastic boomerang thing will soon be back," I said to the kids. But it didn't come back. For several days it stayed in the same place in their garden. Next time I saw our neighbour I kind of did boomerang actions with my hands. Possibly my attempt at mime looked like I was saying he was a wanker because our neighbour resolutely ignored the boomerang thing for another week. He even walked about in his garden and probably trod on the yellow plastic boomerang thing.

I didn't see him for ages after that. He was avoiding me. Perhaps he'd tried throwing it back but it kept returning to his garden. Then, just before Christmas, the boomerang thing returned. What a great guy our next door neighbour is.

As soon as it gets a bit warmer I shall be showing my kids how to use it.