What My Kids Think About My Old Vinyl Record Collection

'Being Boiled' (The Human League)

(7 inch single)

  Seven year old and three year old are in the room when this comes on. I'd forgotten how irresistible the opening few synthy seconds are before the rhythm starts up. Seven year old smiles and three year old waves his arms about. Then the crunchy drum machine cranks up and they both go crazy - seven year old wiggles and leaps about like an amphetamined frog with an itchy arse, while three year old keeps his feet rooted to the floor and bounces up and down in time to the beat.

"Kids, do you like this?"

"YES!" they both shout, then disappear into their own world of crackly industrial funk dancing.

Listen to the voice of Buddha.

'Armagideon Time' (The Clash)

12 inch single (B-side of 'London Calling')

As the opening bars of choppy organ come in and Joe Strummer's reverbed moans float out of the speakers, 10 year old frowns. Then Joe starts to sing.

10 year old: It's a bit weird!

She frowns some more. Then screws her face up.

7 year old and 3 year old were in bed but come running downstairs at the sound of echoey dub bass.

7 year old:  Heyyy, this is good.

Three year old does a funky bum-sticking-out dance in the middle of the room and waves his arms around a lot

"What do you think?"

3 year old: Good!

7 year old" Yeah!

10 year old shakes her head in disgust 

Paid In Full (Eric B, & Rakim)

LP

The first track, 'I Ain't No Joke' comes on.

Three year old: No!

"What's wrong?"

Three year old: No! Turn it off!!

"But it's Eric B. & Rakim."

Three year old: I don't like it!

"But..."

Three year old: (Screams) Aiiiiiieeeeeeeaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!!!

Jane From Occupied Europe (Swell Maps)

LP

For a while at the end of 1980 this was my best album of all time. It was the perfect mixture of one chord guitar thrash, whiny vocals, underground synth drones and clockwork toys - with the odd moment of sublime pop melody. 

On Friday mornings the kids usually come and hang around in my study when they're supposed to be getting ready for school. But today, with Jane From Occupied Europe on repeat play, they kept their distance. Eventually 10 year old came in and said she'd been listening to it from her bedroom. She told me about two songs she liked ('Cake SHop Girl' and 'Whatever Happens Next...' I think).

10 year old: I like it. It's nice and rocky. But the singing is terrible. It's a bit scary. Do they sing badly on purpose? But this is good. (She was referring to the 8 minute instrumental 'Collision With a Frogman vs. the Mangrove Delta Plan' which is like a theme tune for a spooky kids TV series that never got made)

Then she went off downstairs to brush her hair. 

At quarter to nine 7 year old came up to say goodbye. I asked him what he thought of Swell Maps.

"It's cool. It sounds like me playing guitar."

"How do you mean?"

"Well it's rubbish guitar playing."

'Anticipation’ (Delta Five)

(7 inch single)

The kids dance funky style then wiggle their hips, jerking their arms about like little robots. Then when the vocals start they both look at each other with pained expressions and start laughing.

10 year old: That was good until they started singing.

7 year old: Why are they singing like that?

They continue to look troubled as the jerky chorus comes in, then start laughing again. 10 year old starts to tell me about The Little Mermaid, the Disney film, and they both start to do some sort of fishy dance. It's the two basses sound that they like, though can't quite explain it. 10 year old starts a robobtic, hippy jive but looks concerned.

"What's up?"

“It’s pretty rubbish”.

“Why are you dancing, then?”

“Because it’s funky,”